I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
