you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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