i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
