Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You took a bar mat shot.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
