Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize