Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
