called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
