I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
