Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's always time for handjobs
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
