he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
