I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
