Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
