I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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