i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
