my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
