She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
