I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize