I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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