she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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