Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
