Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
