pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
