My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
