R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
