I am puke
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize