I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
