i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
