when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize