Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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