mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
