I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
