respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize