If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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