I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm too high and old for this...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
