Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Porn is love you can see.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
