the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize