Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
