he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
