Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
