I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
