The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
