so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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