If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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