oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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