Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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