Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
