You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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