Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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