whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
did i just pee glitter
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