I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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