No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
