So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
