Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
