she takes plan B like it's going out of style
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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