How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
