i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
