Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
